August 15, 2013: The results are in….

We are going to have a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

POSITIVE POSITIVE POSITIVE!!!!

I cannot tell you how in disbelief I am and how thankful and blessed I feel. It feels so surreal to know that there is a baby growing inside me- well right now kind of like a really tiny tadpole, whom I already love with all my heart. 🙂

My due date is the end of April and I am already counting the days before we get to meet our son or daughter.

Besides feeling like you are in absolute Heaven, the other feeling I think all women have when they find out they are pregnant, especially who have fertility issues, is being scared. Not being scared of having the baby, but of having this feeling go away. The doctors monitor you extremely close the first 2 months because your body  doesn’t always make the right amount of pregnancy hormones so you have to supplement. I am praying that this baby stays in me for 9 months, and I will do everything in my power to make sure this happens. Positive thoughts and vibes please.

I am so excited!! I went out and bought ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting.’ I have always rolled my eyes walking past that book in the bookstore because I was extremely jealous of women who could buy that book. I thought who would want that stupid book anyways?? Reality: My dream book and I have it! I was beaming when I bought it and I just wanted to say to the cashier, “You know why I am buying that right?” wink wink.

We met my mom at our favorite restaurant, Blue Door, and she had blue and pink flowers waiting for us and was crying as soon as she saw us walk in the door. We then were both crying and hugged and hugged one another. I think this baby is not only a blessing for us, but for our family as well. We need something really good to happen and to focus on the future instead of the past.

We are telling Jack’s parents tonight (Friday) and I am sooooooo excited!!!!

More details later!

Time for breakfast- have to feed myself and baby 🙂

 

Breakdown of 2 week wait:

Barely any symptoms… here are things that in hindsight could have been ‘signs’

-slight pinching/ cramping… not like all over period cramps but a very specific area… implantation?

-The only alcohol I had was on our anniversary and I had a glass and a half of wine and threw up.

-Super emotional: lets be honest I always am, and who isn’t when you know you are going to find out if the last month of shots made you pregnant or not?

-Farts… a lot of farts!!!! My dog followed me around everywhere! haha.

 

 

 

 

Trigger time! (August 1, 2013)

Oh wow! We actually got to trigger (Ovidril)  this time! This is the first time I have ever been able to get to the point of triggering and ovulating! Soo excited!!!!!!

But I am also trying to be realistic.

We have done everything we were supposed to do- timed baby making dances, etc. Now it is the 2 week wait.

I hate waiting.

In the meantime I am not drinking any alcohol and trying not to exercise too much as I want my body to be calm and not in crazy running mode stress. We will see what happens. I am also trying not to read other people’s blogs as if just gets me freaked out and too obsessive.

It would be a dream come true if it worked and I was pregnant. However, if it doesn’t, at least I know the Doctor has a found a combination of drugs that works for my body which is a success in itself.

Positive thoughts.

Be patient.

Be positive.

 

To cancel or not to cancel that is the question…

So I went in for a follicle study and I only have one growing follicle and it is measuring at about 10.5…. this is after 15 shots! So the nurse said we would most likely have to cancel the cycle but needed to wait until my e2 came back. Crushed. Sad. Devastated. Pissed off. Angry. Still a little tiny bit hopeful.

Results: Double the meds for 3 days and check again- cycle is not officially canceled! Deep breath everyone. I am hoping and praying and meditating that it grows. Pplleeaassee pretty little follicle grow grow grow! We would love to know that I could actually trigger and maybe just maybe get pregnant. In the mean time, more waiting, and hoping, and trying not to google every question under the sun about the situation. Toes and fingers and everything else that can be crossed.

 

Beginning of July, 2013

So the Center of Reproductive Medicine is amazing!My husband and I went to the initial eval. together and we were there for about 4 hours. I met with Dr. M and a nurse practitioner who reviewed ALL of my records.Dr. M seemed VERY hopeful and positive that not only would it happen, but it would happen soon! Wow.

Drum roll please…. the drawback, which may make it impossible to go there for a long time…. the cost. It is very very very very very expensive. Ugh. We are going to blow through our two HSA cards and then add up what we had to pay for our first cycle and go from there. It would make me so unbelievably sad if money was the reason we have to stop treatments. My two biggest fears… not being able to get pregnant and spending all of our savings are coming true.

MoneyTree

I keep thinking, hey it could happen the first cycle! You never know.

Dr. M immediately started my next protocol as my ovaries are no longer hyperstimming.

Logistics:

Menopur- half a vial for 11 days and then a full vial for 5 days and in the meantime follicles studies, tweaking medications, etc. We will see what the verdict is or is not.

 

 

 

June, 2013

Well, I did not get pregnant naturally in May… get ready for a lloonngg post…

So the diet is not working plain and simple. I cannot give up all those things and frankly I do not believe that it would change everything. If I get into a car accident tomorrow I want to have a homemade cookie today. My choice, my decision, my consequences.

However, with that being said… I rarely have dairy (I will eat cheese sometimes and I have plain yogurt with live active cultures). I have given up gluten, except for delicious full fledged wheat beer (Blue Moon, Summit EPA, Summit Maibock and Summit Oktoberfest).

Logistics for June: Follistim 75 units for 8 days and 37.5 units for 3 days- I had three follicles that would for sure release an egg and two others that would maybe release an egg. My lining was great, but my E2 was 5000 something so they canceled my cycle and broke up with me. I also wore an estrogen patch to help thicken my lining.

My ovaries hurt and I am fucking mad and nervous about OHSS. I also cannot have sex or exercise for 3 weeks– cherry on top of this delicious sundae.

Emotionally, I am fried. I want a baby so bad and I feel like it is an intangible dream and I can only watch others around me and on tv, and in magazines, and in books live out this very far away dream.

It sucks- to put it unpoetically. It fucking sucks. I am ‘excited’ to go meet with Dr. M at the Center of Reproductive Health, but I am nervous, primarily because of the extremely high cost.

However, a baby is priceless but it is not guaranteed. I do not want to get ahead of myself as I do not know the costs, but I do know that my insurance covers NOTHING, because it is my ‘choice’ to get treatment. Choice my ass. I did not say, “Hey body! Please give me PCOS so it will be really really really hard to get pregnant. I love spending hundreds and thousands of dollars on shit that doesn’t work. Grr insurance.

OK. I am going to try and stay positive and not let fertility dictate my mood each day. It is really hard, but I know we will have a baby one day in some way.

For everyone, who doesn’t know what the hell PCOS is, there is a lovely picture below of what all the follicles look like. They DO NOT look like fucking chocolate chips (see previous post). As you can see there are many large follicles and they are all about the same size. You do not want this. You want one or two beautiful large follicles to release one or two eggs…. not 16 or 30. Not good people.

ohss

May, 2013

We have to wait until June to do the next protocol as it requires you to go in every other day for ultrasounds, injections, etc. It is too hard to keep up the lies at school and to logically teach and be at the doctor’s office. It makes me so sad to stop for a month, because I want to keep trying. I guess we are always trying and this month will be focused on cleansing, whole foods and no hormones or medication, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

So in the meantime I went to a holistic doctor named Dr. C and she is convinced that I have a buildup of fungus, which is causing the yeast infections and headaches. She has me on a very strict diet that promotes strength in the body and to get my body healthy and eventually pregnant after the fungus problem is gone. She said this could take a while…. like maybe a year. So to sum up what my diet is, it is basically no sugar, no alcohol, no gluten and no dairy. Also, I have a huge list of things I cannot eat right now as they did not make my body strong when she tested it, like bananas. Random! She also has me on different vitamins (like 15) and fungus fighting pills. It is truly hard not to have chocolate and wine but if that’s what it takes to get me on a healthy path I guess I could try it…

 

im-your-someone